Crikey: Australia Zoo!

I have fallen behind with this blogging business due to a combination of laziness and lack of internet access. I'll carry on writing about stuff that we did last week, starting with Australia Zoo.

After arriving at Sophie and Dan's awesome house in Brisbane, the first thing that we wanted to visit was Australia Zoo, founded by the legend that was Steve Irwin.

Although it is sad that Mr Irwin is no longer around, the zoo is awesome.

We drove from Bisbane to the Zoo, the final part of our journey being down the recently renamed Steve Irwin Way.

Upon entering the zoo, the first animals we saw were rhonoceros iguanas:

To be honest, we found the rhinoceros iguanas a lot less interesting than the lizards that were walking around on the paths through the zoo. We think they might have been eastern water dragons but we're not sure:

There were lots of menacing crocs too. Most of them seem to have been captured by Steve Irwin himself. This one looked like it definitely wanted to eat us:

We stopped off at the cafeteria for lunch. There were wild birds (which we kept seeing throughout southern Queensland and northern New South Wales) trying to eat people's scraps:

While sat in the cafeteria, we were able to observe the action below in the Crocoseum. This involved various animals performing awesome tricks for our entertainment, including snakes, birds and, of course, crocs. The high point should have been the crocs. Check out this scary looking guy:

In fact, the most exciting thing that happened was when one of the bird trainers tried to get a flock of birds to land on the arms of a few of the audience members but the birds just flew away instead, causing much panic and/or mirth.

Parcticularly awesome was getting to meet the kangeroos:

The kangeroos seemed pretty lazy to me. I can definitely relate to that.

We also saw some fairly tame tigers:

We visited the elephants and were able to observe them up close as they had lunch:

Hannah enjoyed meeting the ewoks (koalas):

No visit to an australian zoo would be complete without meeting a whole load of uber-scary snakes. This little guy isn't one of the most deadly but is definitely the most interesting looking:

We had a great time visiting Australia Zoo and I would definitely recommend going, if you have the chance.

Byron Bay, Nimbin and Surfers Paradise

Byron

On the way out of Lennox Head, we briefly visited its northly neighbour, Byron Bay. This was as the Lonely Planet guide had described it; more touristy, busier and a bit more tacky.

We visited Cape Byron Lighthouse. This is situated on mainland Australia's most easterly point.

There is also a lovely beach nearby:

They're everywhere... They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad...

After visiting Cape Byron and Byron bay, we still had some time to kill so we headed for the world's 9th best hippy town, Nimbin. Alas, Nimbin appeared full not of hippies but of curious backpackers like ourselves. Things that we noted about the town:

• Funny smelling smoke in the air from time to time.
• Brightly coloured psychadelic shop fronts.
• Some bloke asking us if we wanted any dope as we walked by. What a friendly chap!

We visited the Nimbin Museum, which was quite interesting. There, we learned that "the man" is trying keep us down by banning marijuana and being mean to be people with alternative lifestyles. We also learned that multiple police officers had been sent to Nimbin to try to stop people taking drugs. Clearly, they were doing a bit of a crap job, based on what we observed earlier.

On the way out of Nimbin, we drop past Mt Warning, the summit of which is the first part of mainland Australia to see the sun every morning. Exciting, no?

Surfers Paradise

After crossing into Queensland, we headed up the Gold Coast. We had decided not to stay in Surfers Paradise because we had heard it was pretty tacky. Still, we stopped for a few minutes in order to check it out.

First things first: the beach was pretty awesome and totally crowded with holiday makers. There were even a few surfers.

We then headed into town and discovered that the Australians have indeed done to Surfers what the British have done to the Greek islands. It involved a lot of concrete, tacky bars, fast food establishments and alcohol-fueled bad behaviour.

Still, it wasn't all bad. Before leaving town, we dined in style. At McDonalds.

Yamba

On our way up north from Bellingen, we stopped for lunch in a lovely town called Yamba. Yamba advertised itself rather well; the sign on the highway read as follows: "Yamba, Australia's number one town!" Apparently, it really was voted the top town by some magazine or other: http://www.australiantraveller.com/component/content/article/362

Anyway, it had quite a nice beach, as this picture shows:

Lennox Head

On Friday (by which, I mean Friday 11th December, what with me having fallen behind

with this "blogging" business) , we travelled to the lovely seaside town of Lennox Head. Our decision to stay in Lennox, rather than nearby Byron Bay, was partly driven by the fact that our Lonely Planet guide described Lenox as being less tacky and touristy than Byron. Mostly, it was due to our inability to find vacancies in any of the Byron Bay hostels that we tried.

Our journey from Bellingen was relatively easy by our standards, given that this one "only" took six hours, including time spent having lunch in Yamba (which I "blogged" about "here")

Our arrival was slightly complicated by the fact that I appeared to have caught an ear infection in Manly. This was confirmed when I visited the local doctor's surgery and antibiotic ear drops prescribed. Sadly, I can't get my ear wet for a few days now, which might put a dampener on various water-based fun. Once that small matter had been dealt with, we had a chance to acclimatise to our surroundings. Our accommodation was the local YHA. Very nice it was too. Our double room actually had a fridge in it, which impressed us no end. The hostel itself was a mere stone's throw from the beach. By "stone's throw", I mean "down the street to the end and then across another street and then up a grassy bank" but it was still pretty close. The beach was great too:

We had lots of fun on the Saturday, playing in the sea, me trying to make sure that my ear didn't get wet and Hannah trying to ensure that she didn't get out of her depth.

Here is a picture of me enjoying the sea, confident that nothing bad is going to happen:

...and here is a picture of me, my ear still barely dry:

We also went to Lake Ainsworth, which was a similar "stone's throw" away. This is a lake, separated from the sea by a bar of sand. The waters of the lake are brown with tannin from the surrounding trees which, we were told, is great for the skin. To be honest, though, it was just a bit creepy.

All in all, Lennox Head is a great place to visit with a great beach. Highly recommended.

Bellingen

We have now arrived at the small town of Bellingen and checked into the town's YHA.

Bello YHA feels like the first "proper" hostel that we have stayed in; everywhere so far has seemed a bit too posh and slick to be classed as a youth hostel. This place feels like a proper backpacker hostel, from the copious bugs that keep freaking Hannah out (mercifully, all the ones that we have found so far appear to be harmless; no poisonous spiders and snakes have threatened us so far) to the Hindu and Buddhist imagery on the posters around the place and the cool hippy-sounding tunes that our friendly proprietor plays on the stereo.

We also have a lovely view from the veranda where I am writing this:

As if that wasn't enough, the hostel also has a resident cat:

In all, this place gets ten out of ten for awesome cool-ness.

Neighbours Part 2

It seems that Monday night did not give Hannah her fill of Neighbours action so we went on the Neighbours Tour (B) on Saturday morning. This was a bus tour taking in the areas where Neighbours is filmed, including Ramsey Street and Global Studios.

We were picked up from our hostel at 8:05am on the dot by our jovial tour guide, Sophie. Sophie is an ex-pat Brit who seemed to enjoy her job ferrying backpackers around the sights of the Melbourne area and who seemed particularly knowledgeable about all matters Neighbours.

Once all the punters had been picked up (and after Hannah had bought Dr Karl's CD, Live At The Elephant), we set off to our first destination: Ramsey Street (real name: Pin Oak Court, Melbourne).

The first thing that struck me is how unlike Ramsey Street it actually looked. While a few of the houses looked familiar, the layout of the street itself looks completely different on television. In real life, it is a cul-de-sac with six houses. On television, they manage to make it look much bigger by never showing much of the road at a time. Another clever trick that Sophie explained to us involves the Neighbours characters never crossing the road (even though it's easy to do in real life, what with a six-house cul-de-sac having little traffic) but, rather, walking all the way round to whatever their destination is, the camera following them the whole time.

After taking multiple cheesy photos, we set off for our next destination, Global Studios. Here, we got to see awesome sets such as:

Lassiters!

Carpenter's Mechanics!

Charlie's!

.

That bus stop that Toadie got handcuffed to on his stag night!

After that, we got back in the minibus and headed back to St Kilda, where we were due to meet a mystery Neighbours cast member. Annoyingly, it turned out to be someone that I had never heard of who hasn't been in the show for several years. Worse, the minibus made Hannah travel sick and the former Neighbours actor had the cheek to suggest that she was worse for wear due to drinking the night before. How very dare she!

Manly Sydney

We have now arrived in the Sydney area and checked into the awesomely named Manly Beach House in similarly awesomely named area of Manly, just outside Sydney.

Manly Beach House is run by a jovial chap of Indian origin from Zimbabwe named Dev.

Despite it not actually being on the beach, we enjoyed our stay greatly, not least because the beach was only a few minutes away. It also helped that the beach turned out to be awesome:

Drought

Victoria and southern New South Wales appear to be going through a bit of a drought at the moment. Being from the UK, we were used to green grass and rivers that actually flow. There's not much of that at the moment. Here is a pic from our journey between Melbourne and Sydney:

Rivers round here are somewhat pathetic at the moment. We became accustomed to driving across mighty bridges over enormous valleys, only to look down and see not much in the way of water beneath. One assumes that the rivers occasionally swell to mighty torrents but, for now, a river is identified merely by the valley that it occupies and the unusually lush vegetation in the bottom of that valley.

The drought was also evidenced by the frequent posters warning of the danger of bush fires in the area (which was high). Looking at the parched landscape, it was easy to see why this was the case.

One very interesting feature of the landscape in the farmed areas that we passed through was that every little valley had been dammed. While there was no water flowing through when we passed, each dam caused a small pool of water to accumulate, giving the livestock somewhere to get a drink. Unfortunately, we didn't manage to take a picture of any of these pools but it was nice to see the local farmers making the best of the erratic patterns of precipitation. Still, you can't help but get the impression that Australia's lack of reliable rainfall is a real problem, even in the most fertile areas.

Melbourne to Sydney

While we were in the Melbourne area, one thing struck me as rather unusual: I didn't see any car number plates from outside Victoria. After we left Melbourne and started driving towards Sydney along the coastal road, it was a very long time until we started seeing New South Wales number plates. I now realise the reason.

If you lived in Sydney and wanted to go to Melbourne, would you drive it? Not likely. It took us two days driving from morning to evening each day to get from Melbourne to Sydney. I imagine that you could just about do it in a day but only if you went flat out, with few breaks. Alternatively, you could fly and be there in a few hours. With the benefit of hindsight, that's what we should have done.

Of course, driving allowed us to see some wonderful scenery:

The trouble is, we didn't have time to stop in many of the wonderful places we went past. In order to properly do justice to the journey, you'd need to spend a lot more time doing it. We didn't have time. We're on a schedule, dammit!

Penguins

On Saturday, we drove to Philip Island, a few hours southeast of Melbourne. Philip Island is special in two ways:

Firstly, lots of the towns on the island are named after towns on the Isle of Wight. For example, we stayed in Cowes and the main attraction that we visited was in Ventor.

Main attraction? Oh yes, the second awesome thing on Philip Island is the penguins. Now, I hadn't realised that penguins ventured north of the Antarctic but apparently there are multiple species of penguin to be found throughout the southern hemisphere. The penguins on Philip Island can be seen emerging from the sea every evening at dusk. We sat, along with a massive crowd of people, and watched as the penguins predictably emerged from the sea and waddled up the beach to the sand dunes where they make their nests. We could then observe the penguins up close from the board walk. They seemed completely un-bothered by our presence. We watched a penguin family going about its penguin-ey business. The daddy penguin collected bits of grass to line the nest while the mummy penguin followed the baby penguin around and tried to keep it out of trouble.

Sadly, we weren't allowed to take any pictures of the penguins (apparently, a camera flash can be rather hazardous to their health) so here is a link to some pictures that someone else took:

http://members.virtualtourist.com/m/8ed7f/1c8d67/

Chinatown

While in Melbourne, we visited Chinatown. This seemed to occupy the entirety of one long and narrow street. As you can see from the picture, it is an exciting place, lined with Chinese restaurants.

We had two meals in Chinatown during our stay. The common factors seemed to be:

1. Awesome fried dumplings


2. Portion sizes that were far too large for the two of us. Check out our first meal:

For the second meal, we decided that, if we wanted to stand a chance of finishing the meal, we'd better not order so many dumplings. I ordered something called "fish with chillies" for my main course. This turned out to be a portion large enough for a whole family.

Apparently, not many people order that particular dish. I managed to eat a tiny fraction of it and very tasty it was too but Hannah was unable to help me out and thus I wouldn't recommend ordering it just for yourself.

The Great Ocean Road

On Friday, went for a day trip along the Great Ocean Road. This is a road along a stunning stretch of the Victoria coastline southwest of Melbourne:

Before we could tackle this awesome road, we needed a car. Luckily, the friendly people at Hertz were only too happy to charge us an arm and a leg to hire us the vehicle that will carry us around Australia for the next month.

Not too long into our journey, we passed our first awesome landmark: the lighthouse from the series Round The Twist.

Not even the lighthouse could compare with the awesome majesty of our ultimate destination, The Twelve Apostles. Kind of like Durdle Door on steroids:

The way back proved to be a little more challenging than the way there. Firstly, the satnav decided to be a bit "special" and direct us down every tiny suburban street in Geelong, presumably in order to shave fractions of a mile off our journey. This proved to be highly stressful.

Worse, the only pair of shoes that I had brought with me decided to malfunction. Behold:

Luckily, I was able to get some new shoes in Melbourne, with which I will have to make do until I can glue the soles back on to my old broken shoe. Phew!

Brekkie

When we went for breakfast yesterday, I was expecting it to be like British or American food: you know, unhealthy, drenched in fat, fried. That sort of thing. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Aussies seem to be seriously into healthy eating. I had avocado and mushroom on toast. It was both good tasting and good for you. Meanwhile, Hannah had beans on toast. I must confess to scoffing, under my breath, at her having gone for a can of Heinz beans on toast. Not so: the beans were actually fresh. Nice.

Later on, we went for coffee. It turns out that Aussies are also great at making coffee. My coffee not only tasted great but was also beautifully presented. It didn't really help us to get over our jetlag, though.

Oh yeah, we also explored Melbourne a bit. Which was nice.

Neighbours

Having safely arrived in Melbourne, we did what any self respecting jet-lagged backpackers would do and went to a Neighbours theme night. This involved a pub quiz, meeting some actors from Neighbours. The only one of whom I recognised was Alan Fletcher, who plays Dr Karl Kennedy. Sadly, I didn't get my picture taken with Dr Karl but I did shake his hand. Wowser. Here are pictures of me meeting some of the other Neighbours guys. I'm not quite sure who they are.

This was then followed by the most surreal part of the night, a set from Dr Karl's band Waiting Room. Dr Karl clearly fancies himself as a rockstar, as he was really going for it, playing covers of such classics as I Predict A Riot and Mr Brightside.

The most surprising thing about the whole night was that Dr Karl appears to be a major international sex symbol. Seriously, the ladies loved Dr Karl.

Exotic Singapore...

...Airport is where we are now. It's very exciting.

We stepped off the plane and were immediately hit by the oppressive tropical heat and humidity. Luckily we then stepped into the air conditioned airport, where we have been confined for the past seven hours. We have done lots of fun things, such as:

• Eating cookies
• Sleeping
• ...?

Here is a picture of us waiting for the plane to Melbourne. Rock n Roll!!!

Other Annoyances

Nokia PC suite just updated itself and now it, too, wants to restart my computer. Grrr. I quite literally think that's "rubbish."

More Annoyance of PDFs

As if Acrobat Reader's pointless bloatedness wasn't annoying enough, I have just noticed two more annoying things about it:

1. It now seems to contain some kind of online chat/meeting functionality. I have never felt the need to start an "Acrobat Connect" meeting and I don't think I ever will.
   
2. Whenever it updates itself (which feels too often), it makes me reboot my computer. Why on earth would that be necessary?

On the plus side, at least the Acrobat Reader plugin no longer makes my entire browser freeze up while a PDF is loading.

On balance, it would be nice if there was a small and lean piece of software that could view PDFs and not do any of the annoying stuff.

Dear Jeff

I'm sorry that there aren't any interesting posts on this blog. Be sure to come back soon, just in case there are any. Just in case.

Animal Noises Made Easy

Moo: a cow, a bovine cow
Prrr, a purring feline cat
Twit-twoo, an owl, an owl-esque owl
Squeak, a squeaking rattous rat
Huss, a hussing kiwi snake
Neigh, a neighing equine horse
Oink, an oinking porcine pig
And that brings us back to Moo

Awesome Site: www.hugeurl.com

If you're familiar with http://tinyurl.com/ then you are probably wondering how the concept can be improved. Well, it can. Check this out:

http://www.hugeurl.com/

I used it to create this huge link:

http://www.hugeurl.com/?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

Hoo-ray for the internet!

The annoyance of PDFs

Whenever I follow a link on the web and it becomes apparent that I am being sent to a PDF file, my heart sinks. That isn't to saythat I have anything against PDF as a format. In fact, it's a great idea: a portable way to share documents in such a way that the reader sees exactly what the auther intended them to. No problems there.

No, the problem is Abobe Acrobat Reader, which now takes an age to load. How long? Too long. Most web pages load within a second so if Acrobat Reader wants to take 10 seconds to load up, that's at least 9 seconds too long. The sad thing is that it used to be much faster many years ago but it seems like every release has been slower than the last. It would be easier to swallow if the slowness was the price that you pay for tons of useful new features but there don't seem to be any, at least, not any that I care about.

I tried Foxit Reader a while back and it was much faster. Unfortunately, I found that there were quite a few PDF documents that it could not cope with so I'm back to Acrobat. Sigh.

My sincere hope is that either Adobe sort themselves out or that someone else makes a PDF reader that doesn't suck.

A Haiku

A pastoral field
A bovine cow eating grass
Liking to say moo

iDoNotLike

I just got an email from the iLike application on Facebook. The subject intrigued me:

"Chris Cornell posted a concert near you!"

How exciting! I naturally read the email for more details, hopeful that Chris Cornell might actually be playing in the UK. The email said:

" CHRIS CORNELL POSTED EVENTS NEAR YOU:
==============================

========
The Grand Ballroom At the Regency Center in San Francisco on Friday, May 1 @ 9:00 PM"

I checked the application, and I had set my location to be UK, so it looks like the app got it wrong. This angered me so much that I removed the application and will never use it again.

Punctuation

Spot the mistakes in this sentence: "You guy's are idiot's, commas are not the same as full stop's and an apostrophe isn't needed before every instance of the letter s."

Sigh. It seems like everyone mis-uses commas and apostrophes and no one seems to care. Except for pedants like me. Having said that, it's important to note that making punctuation mistakes like those above single you out as an idiot and a loser and no one will want to read anything you have written.

Just like this blog.

Stuff Java Should Nick from Python: List Literals

In Python, I can create a little list really easily:

my_list = ["one", "two", "three"]

In Java, doing something simple like this is a right pain:

List myList = new ArrayList();
myList.append("one");
myList.append("two");
myList.append("three");

This is really annoying when you want to do something quick and dirty with a list.

Java Generics

Java Generics get on my nerves. They's so bad that they almost might as well have not bothered putting them in at all.

I may write more about this if I can be bothered.

Denied!

It appears that I can't read any Blogger blogs from work right now. Whenever I do, I see a page that says this:

We're sorry...

... but your query looks similar to automated requests from a computer virus or spyware application. To protect our users, we can't process your request right now.

That's probably for the best, as all blogs on the internet are pointless rubbish. One consquence is that I will be unable to read this post once I've written it. Oh my!

Spam-me-do

I received an email from PayPal today, asking "would you be able to spot a fake email?". I have decided that the answer is no because I can't decide whether that email is fake or not. It is chock full of links along the lines of "click here to learn more about phishing". Naturally, I am so paranoid that I didn't click on any of them. Safety first!

Scotland

I visited Scotland last week It was very nice. I could write more but I can only type left handed so I won't.

Uh, Bebo sucks

A few months ago, a friend sent me an invitation to Bebo. Thrilled though I was, I didn't accept. I'm already on Facebook, and that's pointless enough for me. Bebo have now started spamming me up. By "spamming me up", I mean that they have sent me one e-mail. In some kind of odd e-mail newsletter thing. However, that's one e-mail too many for a guy like me! It is so rude that I decided not to get a bebo account, not that I was going to anyway.

Oh man! 1

Computers: Rubbish

I'm really sick and tired of sitting around waiting far too long for the computer to do something simple. Waiting for stuff to compile... waiting for the computer to start up... waiting for the computer to shut down... Oh man. It is so annoying. Analysing it mathematically, let x=the average length of time spent waiting for the computer to do something simple, y=the number of days in your life and z=the total time wasted. We can see that z is equal to approximately 10 million hours and that computers really suck.

The most annoying thing about it is that whenever the computer freezes up and starts being lame, I get distracted by something and end up wasting time doing something pointless. For example: writing a tedious blog post.

Oh man!

Wireless Networking: Rubbish

I've just wasted half a morning trying to work out why I couldn't my laptop to connect to our wireless network. The helpful dialog box that Windows shows you froze up, saying "aquiring network address". It took this to mean that it had connected and authenticated correctly but that there was some kind of DHCP problem. Oh no. In fact, the reason for this failure was that one of the 26 digits in the WEP key was wrong. Perhaps a more helpful message to display would have been "The WEP key is wrong". Cuss.

Wireless sucks. When it works, it's great, but when it goes wrong, I generally have no idea why and I have no idea how to find out. The Windows tools don't help; by hiding all the complexity behind a shallow facade of user friendliness, they give you almost no helpful information when things go wrong. The Linux command line tools are marginally better, providing you with all the information, even if I don't understand most of it.

Anyway: it works now. Having got that out of my system, I'd better do some work.

1

Tea!

I'm back in work, having been off for three weeks. I can't believe how much tea and coffee people round here drink. I am already on my third cup of coffee of the day. Oh man!f1

Opera Mini

I installed Opera Mini on my mobile the other day. It's much better than the built in Nokia browser. However, it still can't read certain websites for odd reasons that I don't understand. One such website it Blogger. Thus, I can't "blog on the bus". Oh man! I wouldn't mind so much but Blogger was one of the bookmarks that was there by default when the browser was installed. Silly thing. When I try to log on to Blogger, I get redirected around the houses a bit, before ending up at "page not found".

Curses!

I

Boo to stuff and things

Five minutes have passed and I am now in a much worse mood.

Oh man! What would Mark Hammil do?

Hoo-ray for stuff and things!

I can't work out why it is but I am in a much better mood than I was in yesterday. Yesterday, I was feeling fairly miserable for much of the day but I feel really good today. I wonder why that is.

Stupid DVLA

For the past year or two, it has been possible to renew your car's tax disc online. Not for me, it hasn't. Last year, I tried but the DVLA website was running glacially slowly and basically didn't work. This year, the website works but I can't use it to renew my tax disc because it claims that I have no insurance. This is despite the fact that I renewed my insurance literally weeks ago. Stupid DVLA. This is the 21^st century. Stuff like updating my insurance info on a computer is meant to be fast and automatic.

My theory is that the DVLA, like most of the rest of the public sector in this country, is staffed by wonderful hardworking people who are unfortunate enough to be led by idiots who manage to screw it up for everyone that they lead. The idiots probably get knighthoods at the end of it as well. This is why I don't ever want to work for the public sector.

What An Exciting Morning

This morning was very exciting due to the following things:

1. Townhill Way was completely closed, forcing us to take a massive detour on the way into work. Jon wasn't pleased because it made him late for his course. Oh man!
2. I lost my id badge. Luckily someone found it and I got it back again. Phil told me that I should blog about it so here you go: Blog Me Do!

It's nearly time for lunch. I'm going to eat some kind of weird pasta thing that I bought from Tesco's. Hoo-ray!

Official: I Rule

Here is the final proof that I rule more than anyone except for Steve Collins:

#	Team	Manager	Gameweek	Total
1	ZZ's Ballon de Plomb	Steve Collins	56	1930
2	Soccer Explosion!	Chris Jenkins	49	1886
3	BerbatovMagic	Ben Thompson	41	1769
4	DogsDooDaa	Mick Lickman	39	1695
5	Wudzz Wanderers	Richard Woods	62	1693
6	Munchkins 0607	Martin Cartwright	34	1691
7	Rabid Rangers	Tom Evans	32	1680
8	MarknMatthew	Matthew Stockwell	46	1677
9	Die Warnock Die!!!	Kieran Scott	64	1658
10	Why use a round ball	Stephen Hurst	43	1636
11	PUP	Tim Evans	39	1615
12	Dark Horses	Matt Sunley	31	1609
13	Laws the Rock	jim Matthews	40	1603
14	Badger Badger Badger	Dave Draper	28	1561
15	The one eyed champs	Jon Roberts	28	1560
16	Dixie's Diamonds	Ed Johnson	20	1484
17	Music With Jeff	Jordan Humber	23	1421
18	Jedly's Chums	JEd Green	28	1357

Oh dear oh dear

In other news, Kie got his wish and Sheffield United were relegated. Neil Warnock looked really really pissed off and I'm sure that makes Kie happier than you can possibly imagine. I can't help feeling a bit sorry for them, though. West Ham can be accurately described as "jammy gets".

Oh, The Excitement!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I bet you're thinking: "wow, what an exciting end to the football season". Of course you are. I finished second in our fantasy football league! Here's the almost-final league table:

#	Team	Manager	Gameweek	Total
1	ZZ's Ballon de Plomb	Steve Collins	0	1874
2	Soccer Explosion!	Chris Jenkins	0	1837
3	BerbatovMagic	Ben Thompson	0	1728
4	Munchkins 0607	Martin Cartwright	0	1657
5	DogsDooDaa	Mick Lickman	0	1656
6	Rabid Rangers	Tom Evans	0	1648
7	MarknMatthew	Matthew Stockwell	0	1631
8	Wudzz Wanderers	Richard Woods	0	1631
9	Die Warnock Die!!!	Kieran Scott	0	1594
10	Why use a round ball	Stephen Hurst	0	1593
11	Dark Horses	Matt Sunley	0	1578
12	PUP	Tim Evans	0	1576
13	Laws the Rock	jim Matthews	0	1563
14	Badger Badger Badger	Dave Draper	0	1533
15	The one eyed champs	Jon Roberts	0	1532
16	Dixie's Diamonds	Ed Johnson	0	1464
17	Music With Jeff	Jordan Humber	0	1398
18	Jedly's Chums	JEd Green	0	1329

Admittedly, today's scores have yet to be added but, suffice to say, no one managed to get the hundred or more points that they would need in order to overhaul me. This means that I finished ahead of the following people:

• Tom
• Martin
• Kie
• Jon
• Jed

Man, I can't believe how much I rule. I am the (second) best!

Bo Selecta

Phew. It passed. I can breath a sign of relief.

Oh Man! The Suspense Is Killing Me!

I hope my car passes its MOT. Last year, it failed due to having a nail in one of the tyres. I wonder what I have stupidly failed to spot this year:

• Two wheels have fallen off.
• It turns out that having orange juice stains all over the back seat isn't legal.
• Colony of rare bats found under the bonnet.

Any of the above would literally "cuss" me right "off".

Good crikey, this sucks!

I have changed the language settings to "English-UK" and it's still banging on about vacations and falls and the like. Rubbish!

Scooters, Vacation, Fall

At the bottom of the window that I'm typing this into, it says "Labels for this post: eg. scooters, vacation, fall". Are they deliberately trying to use the most American-specific words in order to alienate users in the UK?

The labels for this post are: mopeds, holiday, autumn.

What A Personal Disaster!

This morning, on the way in to work, something incredibly bizarre happened. I was minding my own business driving down Allington Lane when I heard a colossal bang in the car behind me. Looking round, all I could see was the some kind of foul smelling orange fluid had been released into the back of the car. I swerved to the side of the road and jumped out of the car. It was at this point that I discovered the horrible truth: a bottle of orange juice had exploded all over the back seat. I have no idea how it happened. Indeed, I didn't even know that it was possible for a two-day old bottle of orange juice to explode like that. I am now looking forward to the task of cleaning a litre of orange juice off my back seat.

This is literally the worst thing that has happened to me all day.

Jeff Rules!

Wow! I just realised that Jeff has a link to my tedious blog on his website. That's pretty sweet. Check it out here. If you do visit then be sure to vote "pretty cool" a few times. Nice!

The Wildhearts

We went to see The Wildhearts the other night. Very good they were too, although I would say that, what with them being my favourite band and all. Here is a link to a picture in Phil's blog.

I was going to put a picture in here to see if I can but none of my pictures came out very well the other night. I was going to take a picture of my foot, about half of which has now turned black and blue, but I thought better of it.

Smashing weather we're having, isn't it!

Oh man, the pressure!

Phil just told me that he has this blog in his RSS reader ... oh man, I never expected to have an audience. I might just delete everything and hide under the table for a bit.

Hey Phil, you should write something in your blog (to which I have subscribed) too!

Ha, psyche, my foot isn't broken at all, thank crikey. After preparing myself for the worse, I spent what turned out to be a reasonably pleasant hour in A&E getting it X-rayed and it turns out to just be badly bruised. I take back everything I said about the NHS being rubbish.

The NHS doesn't seem to be functioning very efficiently

On Tuesday I injured my foot. On Wednesday, I went to see my GP and he referred me to get it X-rayed since there is a chance that I've broken something. It's now Thursday and I have spent all day phoning the radiology department at the Royal Hants Hospital to see if they have received the fax from my GP's surgery, only to be told each time that it had not yet arrived. Eventually, they called me back and explained that actually they had it all along; it had just been put into the wrong pile. Fantastic, I thought. Now I can get an appointment. Oh no: that particular department are refusing to X-ray me because my injury was sustained within the last seven days and they don't deal with injuries that recent. I'm told that I must go to A&E instead. Given that it's now 4:30 pm and I don't want to be sitting in a waiting room in A&E all evening while more urgent cases are dealt with, I've decided to go in tomorrow.

Now, I'm by no means an urgent case and there's no reason why I ought to be going to A&E, the name of which suggests that it should be for people who have had Accidents and forEmergencies. The last time I stepped foot in an A&E department was with my grandad who had just been rushed there in the back of an ambulance after he collapsed at home. The time before that was to see my Dad who had just been pronounced dead. The thought of a moron like me clogging the place up because he has a slightly sore foot pisses me right off.

The trouble is that my doctor said that I should get my foot X-rayed just in case so that's what I'm going to do. I hope that sitting in a waiting room all tomorrow morning is even more fun than ranting about stuff on the internet.

Blog Me Do!

So what's this all about, then? Why am I bothering to write this silly blog thing? It has always struck me that a blog would be the perfect medium to wax lyrical about any tedious ideas that crossed my head. Having done that, I would then be completely ignored by everyone in the world and it wouldn't matter too much because that would my blog just like 99.9% of all other blogs out there. Hoo-ray!

Of course, there are a few people who are able to string a few interesting sentences together in a way that makes me want to read them. There's Mr Biffo's amusing musings. There's the intelligent philosophical musings of Paul Graham's essays. I'm pretty sure that a few other people in the world are similarly endowed with a mastery of prose and have interesting things to say but I can't be bothered to find them. It doesn't matter. This blog isn't going to be like that. I have a poor command of the English language and little of interest to talk about. Never mind.

So the purpose of these scribblings is as follows: I intend to write rubbish here for a while and see if I get better at doing it. Hopefully I will one day become slightly less inept at churning out rambling prose like this and will feel somehow satisfied by that fact. We'll see.

The stupidest injury. Ever.

Yesterday, I dropped a 6kg dumbbell on my foot. It didn't hurt much at the time but a few hours later my foot had swelled up like a football and it hurt like mad. Today, the doctor prodded the injury for a few minutes and was sufficiently concerned by my girlie squeals as to suggest that I may have have fractured my 2nd or 3rd metatarsal. I await tomorrow's X-ray with trepidation.

I can't help but think that some kind of evil force is determined to make sure that I never get any good at football by causing me to injure myself in all kinds of stupid ways so that I never get to play. Luckily, like all the best sportsmen, I am "staying strong mentally". Thank crikey for that!

The sickest April Fool's joke ever

Trying to buy Glastonbury tickets is like trying to persuade Ian Paisley to dress up as Gareth Gates and perform on Stars In Their Eyes. Although it might seem like a good idea, it is unlikely to happen. Three of us have been sat at our respective computers, clicking refresh with one hand and dialling the phone line with the other for the past half hour. We have nothing to show for it.

I think that this is a "hilarious" April Fool's joke by Michael Eavis. I don't think that Glastonbury tickets are on sale at all. They are having a laugh at our expense. Oh man!